I thought I did something wrong

When I was young, probably around about maybe five or younger, mum would come home after drinking, and always want a kiss and a cuddle from us kids. She would come and wake us up in the middle of the night for a kiss and cuddle, and that would probably terrify us. It did terrify us a lot, because you had the smoke and the alcohol on her breath. That’s probably the one that stands out the most... her wanting to be more affectionate, and stuff like that.

So if she went along the night in town, and dad stayed home with us, dad would go out and get fish and chips on the way home, and give her something to eat so she would go to sleep. We would wake up in around about... oh God I don’t know what time it was. It would probably be like midnight.

It carried on until I think maybe after I hit primary.

I always thought I did something wrong. I’ve learnt I didn’t do anything wrong, and it wasn’t me.

I always got blamed even when it wasn’t my fault. I think one Christmas we went up to nana and grandad’s. And we had this tyre swing, and it was my turn on it and aunty started pushing me. She accidently fell over. she was slightly intoxicated, mum was intoxicated, and I got blamed for it. I think I might have been about eight, and because she was pushing me on the tyre swing, and she fell over. So then she nutted off, and I got in trouble. And so, to solve the problem Aunty Mary decided the swing was finished, but I still got in trouble.

I think it was at a cousins 21st, and a shitload of alcohol was happening, and it was decided since then... I think somebody tripped up on the carpet, somebody went through a window, someone went down a hill. I think as a family rule we decided no alcohol at any family functions.

To be completely and totally honest I hated her.

She was quite abusive towards me.

Yeah. I think at some point really felt unsafe.

Pretty much until she got sober, I think she started getting a bit sober towards... it must have been primary, the end of my primary, and we started staying with Aunty Mary, and starting help us and whatnot. We would stay with her, she would take us to school, and stuff like that.