Kowhai

My husband didn’t give me an ultimatum it was after a night that I’d been on another binge, and I’d really gone way overboard with regards to my behaviour the night before, and he run me a bath. He told me to go have a bath. So I was in the bath soaking and not thinking just soaking, and he came in the bathroom and he said to me, “How would you feel if I was to die tomorrow?”

It hit me real hard that I decided “enough’s enough, why am I doing this to the man that loves me so much?” He picks me up from wherever I’ve fallen, and picks me up and hugs me and holds me, until I’m strong again. I’m so blessed. Even today I say to him, “I love you. Do you know how much I really love you?” So that was my pivotal point where I thought, “enough was enough”.


For me part of this is allowing my children to have their say. My oldest son, he’s very angry, and I know that. He’s still not sure how to express it. Had a lot of blame, and I know that, and I stand up and say, “I’ll talk whenever you’re ready.”

When I came back one of the things was we had a whanau hui, and gave them opportunities to have their korero, and it was only through this evening. I think my daughter had been affected quite a bit, but she just never told me. I think part of it, I’m not sure, but I feel part of the reason why they’re not being open is that they don’t want to hurt me, and yet, I’m okay. I’m in a place that I’m okay, because if it’s going to make you heal, tell me. You know, bring it on, and I’ll help you. But yeah, it’s affected them each differently.

I tell you, it’s the same situation with my husband really, just a different level. I can’t take back what I’ve done, but I can change is what I say to them. I’ve got to try not to let the guilt affect me in the every day living, and that’s been bloody hard. It’s like if you can take someone’s pain away you would.