Nurturing my spirit

I became very familiar with the fact that I needed something to focus on every day and my creative spirit. And if I wasn’t fulfilling that creativity through being nurturing, like a nurture of a child, or through some form of meeting my core needs then I would get up to mischief

And then I started to develop a real passion to understand human behaviour, more so for myself and why I made decisions that I did, and then to understand other people that had come into my life, or even my parents...

I really started to familiarise myself with knowing my mental health, and being aware of it, and knowing that those years of abuse did have an impact on me. I think being aware of that is a big step. And then just knowing that it was going to be a lifelong battle for me, because it is, because when things get hard, or I feel trauma, or I feel pain, I want to go and escape, but now instead of going out and partying, and spreading myself with people who are just not good for me, I tune in, I go to those places, the gym, I go for bike rides, I go hug some trees, I find a good nature walk.

I keep such a beautiful open connection with my tupuna, and I talk to them every day and I invite them in to help guide me...

I’ve been really blessed that I’ve done a lot of work around coping strategies, and I think one of the most important for me is my home, to be comfortable. One of the methodologies that one of my healers up in the Hokianga told me was, “When you light a candle and you see it flickering, that’s spirit coming in. That’s probably one of my biggest things, is remembering that I’m loved in the spirit world, and I’m so well supported; so I don’t ever feel that loneliness, that real emptiness.

I bought a bike, a mountain bike, just a cheap one on Facebook, and I remembered how much I used to love biking. I decided to buy a bike, and instead of walking, necessarily, and just getting out there and feeling the wind in my hair. I might not even bike far, but I’ll bike to the coffee shop and grab a coffee. I keep myself busy, and again, I notice where I’m at when I wake up in the morning and I come out of sleep into consciousness, I think, “where are my thoughts sitting right now”.

I make a commitment to notice the thoughts that I’m actually running in my head, because if I wake up and I feel heavy, or anxious, I know I need to get out and change that record play. Whereas, I used to just want to run from it, and I guess I face it now. I sit in it, and I truly trust that everything must pass, and I also have come to an understanding that I can actually be friends with my mind, instead of it being my enemy.